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OPINION COLUMN: TED KRUCKEL

2013 Preview: My Predictions for the Year in Parties

Perhaps the Pope is a Psy fan? Photo: Kevin Mazur/WireImage

Perhaps the Pope is a Psy fan?

Photo: Kevin Mazur/WireImage

I am always interested in New Year’s predictions from psychics, mediums, and swamis. It is, after all, their busy season, so they are invariably spewing out hokum left and right.

What, I wonder, is their method? Ouiji board? Darts?

When I worked at Elle magazine, the most popular column was by Cheryl Lee Terry, who used numerology to determine “the cycles of your life.” Basically you take the numbers of your birth date, add them up, then subtract 9 or something and you end up with your numeral, which is yours for life.

Hard to believe she could concoct a whole column of this every month, I know, but she did, so what’s stopping me from my own patent-pending tea leaf reading method, the wine cork drop?

Here’s how it works: I ponder a problem or situation while I am opening a bottle of wine. Inevitably I drop the cork on the floor after it ejects from my super-efficient (perhaps too efficient) Screwpull, and when I bend over to pick up the cork, the rush of blood to my cranium pops a ridiculous thought into my head, et voila, une methode scientifique for deciding the future.  

The teensy problem with the system is that as the evening rolls on, and more corks hit the floor, some of the predictions become a little more—oh, is the word outlandish? But here's what I'm seeing for 2013.

Paula Broadwell/Jill Kelley Events Launches!
After that pesky F.B.I. probe goes away, the two patriotic and well-toned ladies bury the hatchet and join forces to form a new event production and design company that utilizes both ladies’ skills.

Paula works her computer magic by inviting senators, generals, and press via fake Gmail accounts, while Jill indulges her desire for lavish parties. But problems start when Chippendales approaches some of the shirtless F.B.I. agents who moonlight as caterwaiters, and Paula gets her guns on.

Instagrammed!
Webster’s announces the top new dictionary addition of the year is the verb associated with the social media site, which, emboldened by the knowledge that its 2012 privacy-invasive policies resulted in no decrease in usage, devise a new technology that turns on users’ phone cameras remotely, then downloads the purloined images into an “embarrassment index” program that decides which images to circulate and publicize. While everyone fears that their nude shots will be disseminated, it emerges that images of Instagram users lip-synching “Call Me Maybe,” a year after it has hit the scene, are the most embarrassing of all.

“Anorexia Girl” Martinis Make Debut Splash!
After the cancellation of her talk show, and following on the heels of her breakup with fellow reality victim/star Jason Hoppy, Bethenny Frankel goes on a days-long crying jag.

Reporters, invited to cover her suffering and help out with babysitting, can’t help but notice that Bethenny is repeatedly licking her crocodile tears. “They taste great!” she exclaims, and she decides to bottle a facsimile of her duct’s dissemination in brilliant red bottles. Using Freon as the secret ingredient, Ms. Frankel proclaims innocence when consumers begin dying from the concoction. “I thought Freon was cool!”

Psy Performs at the Vatican
While many were surprised by the announcement, cardinals in-the-know had been whispering for months about Pope Benedict’s near slavish devotion to “Gangnam Style.”

“He does the lasso movement with those incense burners, and you really have to watch yourself,” says a Vatican butler just before being fired.

Madonna and Lady Gaga meet secretly to plot Psy’s demise.

W Hotels Announces 1,000th Venue
With inimitable panache and celebrityhood, W Hotels reveals its latest property will be built in 2018 on the Ronne Ice Shelf in Antarctica. It’s an area that is jointly claimed by Chile, Argentina, and the United Kingdom.  

“We find that celebrities and fashion models are really into the next thing, and there are virtually no four-star, boutique-style hotels in this part of Antarctica,” says a spokesperson.  

Asked if the remote location and extreme weather might be a deterrent for luxury travelers, the spokesperson responds, “If celebrities build it, schmucks will come.”

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