The zany season has begun once again out here in the Hamptons. The Ferraris (lots of yellow ones this year) and the landscaping trucks that service their owners' yards are clogging the Montauk Highway once again. Signs of Hurricane Sandy are almost completely gone. The washed-away beaches have been replenished by truckloads and truckloads of sand—this is the Hamptons, after all; did you think Georgica Beach would go without?
Last year I wrote about all of the best ideas I saw out here, and this year I promise to do plenty of that again. But I realized I was only giving you half of the story. The truth is that there is a lot of Tomfoolery out here on the Hamptons party circuit. Lost valet cars, sloppy caterers, endless waiting for event shuttle vans with no air-conditioning.
This year, you're getting warts and all!
This tent, hoisted by Sperry Tents for the Group for the East End's “Dive Into Summer” event, was really sort of magnificent. The tent poles were some sort of rainforest-looking tree trunks, and the pivot points and lattice work made for a beautiful overhead view. I am dying to know how much this cost.  The event had all sorts of wealthy-looking people, plus Alec Baldwin, who is the unofficial, okay lets just make it official, King of the Hamptons benefit court. I did not approach him. We've met a bunch—I used to see him in Montauk at this little lobster place, and he was always smiling and having fun—but I figure too many people getting up in his grill is a problem, so why add to that?
Photo: Chris Arnold
At the same event, which was held on the grounds of the Wolffer Estate where there's a big event just about every weekend this year, Fresh Staff used wine corks thrown into a provided polished silver bowl for tremendous effect. I am so stealing this idea!
Photo: Chris Arnold
Here's the vista at Wolffer Estate. No wonder it's booked end-to-end. I am trying to become pals with Joey Wolffer, who became the new vineyard owner after her father's tragic boating death a few season back. Do you know about her "Stylecaster" campers? Keep reading.
Photo: Meredith McBride
Lilee Fell Flowers—a florist who is new to me, but hopefully not for long—did these arrangements at the "Dive Into Summer" event. The whole party was so spare and chic, just the beautiful tents, simple well-placed tables, and one killer arrangement. I sometimes snicker at people carrying the arrangements home, but had I stayed for dinner I'd have had no problem knocking over a lady with a walker to get one.
Photo: Meredith McBride
At the Hetrick-Martin Institute's School's Out event, Greater Gotham Mini Dealers provided a fleet of the teensy-tiny cars to shuttle guests from a nearby beach lot to a major spread on Gin Lane. While leaving your car for a shuttle system is always tricky (indeed, one major fashion editor simply refused), the system worked perfectly. The wait was only a minute or so on each end.
Photo: Junenoire Mitchell
Let's make it doubly official there is also a Queen of the Hamptons and her name is Christie Brinkley, or "Cryogenic Christie." The astute "cryogenic" observations came from Kelli Delaney, a top Hamptons style blogger and old pal from my Allure days, which I suspect she’d rather I not specify the dates thereof. Kelli and Christie (plus WWD and Styles of the Times photo fixture Somers Farkas) were all at South Fork Natural History Museum of Bridghampton's 24th annual SoFo Rocks.  Like Baldwin, Christie is a must-have guest if you want your Hamptons event to make a splash; she wore a Victoria Beckham print dress that hugged every inch of her in the right ways. At 59 she she is as hot as they come and also so friendly and nice.
Photo: Meredith McBride
Last year the cocktails for the South Fork Natural History Museum event were held on the upper deck to look at the magnificent marshy, waterfow-y, nature-y greatness. The space wasn't part of the event this year, but I dragged my sorry ass up there anyway, I guess to send a message to event organizers: “Get the people back up here.”
Photo: Meredith McBride
At the Hamptons Cottages & Gardens Showhouses, the sublime-ridiculous storyline wrote itself. Like all showhouses, it showed magnificently tricked-out rooms by V.I.P. designers, including former Queer Eye reality show caster Thom Felicia, who showed off his room for textile company Kravet.
Photo: Chris Arnold
But at the bar, the caterer stuck her hand into the ice—the same ice that was cooling the beer and wine bottles to fix my vodka. I switched to wine. The sushi by the Brownstone, the New Jersey restaurant made famous by the Real Housewives of New Jersey series (former cast member Dina Manzo was on hand looking great), was really tasty though, so there’s that!
Photo: Chris Arnold
Outside, the pink-tied valet staff were spiffy and friendly, but that faded fast when only 30 minutes into the party, there was a line down the street for people waiting to drop off. I waited alongside Penn classmate Aerin Lauder; the chitchat quickly faded and I finally walked down the road to meet my car halfway, sparing her from having to make any more small talk.
Photo: Chris Arnold
The next event continued the New Jersey housewives theme: a dog adoption event that was to be hosted by Sonja Morgan of the Real Housewives of New York City, at Seasons, a Southampton event space that also hosts a weekly clambake that's open to the public and is great. (They also own Clam Man, one of the best seafood stores in the Hamptons.) I was there for an hour catching up with Linda Wassong, a devoted animal lover, in the middle of the party and I didn't see the professional housewife hostess anywhere. But here is Dina Manzo in the back of the Stylecaster van I told you about. Of all the Housewives, Dina is the only one with any class, dontcha think?
Photo: Chris Arnold
The next day was a world-record attempt at the largest communal dog meal (I think they failed). Celebrity chef—and my former client—Rocco DiSpirito was on hand. But he was feeling low—his mother (whose meatballs were made famous in Rocco's reality show, The Restaurant) had recently passed away.
Photo: Chris Arnold
The canine-friendly event—appropriately named PetFest—was also hosted by Chef Michael. There is no actual Chef Michael, it’s just a premium pet line from Purina, but its doggie food truck was nifty.  And the entire event, staged at the Bridgehampton Historical Society, seemed neat and well organized.
Photo: Chris Arnold
I loved the spigot that poured dog food out of the truck. Later that day I got in the spirit of the event and adopted a new dog.
Photo: Chris Arnold
Here are my three dogs, TJ (Turbo Junior), Turbo, and Jetta. And we are now a sublime foursome.
Photo: Ted Kruckel
