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Global Warming Got You Worried?

Don\'t fight it, just shed a layer and adapt ... and order extra ice.

My birthday is in January, and I grew up 20 miles from New York City in a lakeside home. When I was young, my b-day fete was always an ice-skating party. Sometimes we'd even build a fire out on the lake and ride snowmobiles. It wasn't much fun for the guests-blue fingers, runny noses, etc.—but I loved it.

Now that lake rarely freezes over.

This year for my birthday, my family came into the city for brunch, and my mother requested "somewhere nice where we can sit outside." (I Tre Merli on West 4th Street was perfect and serves a frisee/pancetta/poached egg number that will turn your back on eggs Benny forever.) Sure, it finally got cold in New York, but had you ever heard of tornadoes in Connecticut? This year they had a bunch. Also, all the oranges in Florida got frozen and now a quart of OJ will set you back like $8 next year.Maybe you sat through An Inconvenient Truth, which showed all the melting glaciers-important, to be sure, but one more glimpse of big Al Gore's mug and I wouldn't blame you for racing to the exits.

What I find plus amusantabout the issue is that some people think that by changing to hybrid cars like Leo DiCaprio, we can all pitch in and turn the tide. First of all, Leo DiCaprio (not to mention Al Gore), like so many big stars, has been known to take a private plane, which burns more fossil fuel on a flight from Teterboro to Santa Monica than a family in Oklahoma will use in a decade.

Second, even if we got every American in line re: conservation, the newly auto-addicted Chinese are just getting started, and why do I think their adherence to Kyoto emissions limits might not being stringently enforced? But still, the show must go on.

Here, a few party ideas as the situation declines:

Breathe Deep
The tedium, tension, and general unpleasantness of all event entry tents can be made into a positive by turning them into hyperbaric oxygen-control tents. Mountain climbers (and now autistic children) sleep in these in preparation for oxygen deprivation, which almost every event I go to already offers.

Spa Treatments: the Next Wave
Instead of spray-on tans and manicures, why not provide on-site laser removal of dermal cancer cells? Just flash people with a little black light and the mutating areas are clearly visible. Then just laser them off, give the patients a strong drink, and send them into the party. Be kind-keep lighting dim.

Take a Dip
As climbing levels of gamma rays, radiation, and scary isotopes penetrate the razor-thin atmosphere, they not only strike humans but make us walking wave-emitters as well. The answer? A short stint in a liquid nitrogen tent. (Note: You need professionals to man this, not interns.) While this is risky, the good news is that you can keep your clothes on.

Solar Flare Safety Parties
The sun has been spraying our planet with lethal bursts of burning gaseous flares for years, which up until now the ozone layer has shielded us from. Why not issue top clients, celebrities, and such passes to private ozone-protected areas? (I hear Canada has some.) I think it takes nine minutes for solar rays to reach the earth, and flares take awhile to reach full strength. Those V.I.P.s who make it to your tent and survive will obviously be grateful and more than likely to buy your products. To get everyone there, reserve some private planes in advance. (I know, I know, the fossil-fuel emissions, but at this point, does it really matter?)

Hazmats for Everybody!!!
The urge to go to edgy parts of town will never go away, but why risk top-level attendance with fears of germ or chemical contamination? Simply include a hazmat suit with each invitation (waist drawstrings make such a difference: note) and eliminate fears while promoting safety. If you are first with this idea, you may start a trend. Also, please send me one.

Remember, you have as good a chance of surviving this party trend as the next person.
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