Illustration: David Pohl
For all I know, you may be one of those people who thinks global warming is a myth—or, as Homer Simpson said, “Further study is needed.” If so, this column may not be for you.
But from my corner of the world on eastern Long Island (O.K., isthmus would be more correct than corner), where we are now winding down the first winter season anyone can remember in which there was not one significant snowfall, I find that I am not the only one who is dreading a long, hot summer.
I know this because of the paucity of DampRid on True Value’s shelves in the Hamptons. In the old days, I lived by the wives’ tale that the sea breeze kept you cool in the summer. Now I know the truth. What the ocean really does is send fog and moisture seeping into your house. In the past, turning the heat to 70 would completely dry out any house in a week. But now, since needing the heat on at 70 for days in a row is almost an anachronism, the house is often—nay, nearly always—annoyingly damp.Enter DampRid, this miraculous product you hang in your closets that somehow uses these white crystals to absorb and capture water in one of those silvery bags like the EZ Passes come in. I’m foggy on the science, but my closets aren’t.
Anyway, I bought the stuff by the cartload at True Value until I noticed that the shelf always seemed to be empty. The girls at the register told me that, sure enough, my secret was out.
My heart sank. I had hoped a simple OTC product was going to whisk me through the next season of sweat, but now I have to grapple with local hoarders and summer tourists to get my DampRid?
So, to cheer myself up, I sat down and wrote the following list of tips and observations for event planners and -goers for surviving the possible/probable upcoming heat wave.
Daylight Cocktail Savings Hour
This would be so easy. All we need to do is move the official cocktail-party starting time back an hour, from 6 p.m. to 7 p.m. Weekend events won’t begin when you’re just getting home from the beach. For weekday events, workaholics can stay in their air-conditioned offices for an hour longer, self-pamperers can go home and put on a fresh outfit/hair, and everyone benefits from a slightly cooler travel time. Dinner then moves to nine. Dessert at 10 and D.U.I.s outside the hot nightclub du jour can remain on their current schedule.
Refrigerator Trucks Moonlight as Limos
This is a win-win for everybody. Well, not for those limo drivers who park outside your house and turn the air off—they deserve what they get. By day, the refrigerator trucks can deliver beer, transplant organs, what have you, and by night, they can simply give the container a hosing and bolt down a few rows of seating. Eventgoers who are tired of cheap and lazy limo drivers and hot, smelly taxis can take a cool ride to their party.
Shoe-Insert Industry Merges With Ortho-pedic Ice Baggers
You know those shoe inserts with the annoying commercial? “Are you gellin’?” “Like Magellan.” (Why the world explorer whose crew suffered horrible diseases and death would be gellin’ is not addressed within the 30 seconds of information.) They could make their foot flats out of that material in those gel ice bags you put in the freezer. This way you just slip ’em out of your fridge and into your loafers, and you’re good to go. Not recommended for weddings.
Cleanliness Is Next to Impossible
Don’t you just love it when they tong you the hot, moist towel when flying business class and above? I always start out very dainty—just wiping the palms of my hands while secretly looking around. But inevitably, I throw dignity to the wind and bury my whole face in the thing, and the feeling of clean wipes away my shame. In Hong Kong, they give you a hot wet one when you get in a livery car. Considering that all the habitués of Greenwich Village hotspot Socialista are now running to get tested for hepatitis A thanks to a sick bartender (do you think Demi and Ashton did, too?), doesn’t this make great sense for a party? All you need are washcloths, a microwave, and a cute disposal unit that could eliminate the need for de-tonging.
Feet Are Way Too Visible in Summer
I lament about this all the time. Mules, flip-flops, sandals—they’re visible all year round, but the warm summer weather makes the situation even worse. And tanning your feet is next to impossible: Real sun takes forever, and fake tans are almost never even on the peds. My friend provides the perfect solution: All indoor summer guests, no matter how well shod or groomed, are asked to surrender their footwear and don those neat footies with a thin sole. Comfy and clean, and then a reusable gift.
Fresh-Air Fun
Now that Jon Stewart used one of those mini fans onstage at the Oscars, maybe the time has come to consider handing out -battery-powered units to arrivers. The technology is better than it used to be, and everyone knows that old canard about regular (i.e., manual) fans generating more body heat through exertion. Besides, there’s the risk of coming off like pre-weight-loss Karl Lagerfeld.
But from my corner of the world on eastern Long Island (O.K., isthmus would be more correct than corner), where we are now winding down the first winter season anyone can remember in which there was not one significant snowfall, I find that I am not the only one who is dreading a long, hot summer.
I know this because of the paucity of DampRid on True Value’s shelves in the Hamptons. In the old days, I lived by the wives’ tale that the sea breeze kept you cool in the summer. Now I know the truth. What the ocean really does is send fog and moisture seeping into your house. In the past, turning the heat to 70 would completely dry out any house in a week. But now, since needing the heat on at 70 for days in a row is almost an anachronism, the house is often—nay, nearly always—annoyingly damp.Enter DampRid, this miraculous product you hang in your closets that somehow uses these white crystals to absorb and capture water in one of those silvery bags like the EZ Passes come in. I’m foggy on the science, but my closets aren’t.
Anyway, I bought the stuff by the cartload at True Value until I noticed that the shelf always seemed to be empty. The girls at the register told me that, sure enough, my secret was out.
My heart sank. I had hoped a simple OTC product was going to whisk me through the next season of sweat, but now I have to grapple with local hoarders and summer tourists to get my DampRid?
So, to cheer myself up, I sat down and wrote the following list of tips and observations for event planners and -goers for surviving the possible/probable upcoming heat wave.
Daylight Cocktail Savings Hour
This would be so easy. All we need to do is move the official cocktail-party starting time back an hour, from 6 p.m. to 7 p.m. Weekend events won’t begin when you’re just getting home from the beach. For weekday events, workaholics can stay in their air-conditioned offices for an hour longer, self-pamperers can go home and put on a fresh outfit/hair, and everyone benefits from a slightly cooler travel time. Dinner then moves to nine. Dessert at 10 and D.U.I.s outside the hot nightclub du jour can remain on their current schedule.
Refrigerator Trucks Moonlight as Limos
This is a win-win for everybody. Well, not for those limo drivers who park outside your house and turn the air off—they deserve what they get. By day, the refrigerator trucks can deliver beer, transplant organs, what have you, and by night, they can simply give the container a hosing and bolt down a few rows of seating. Eventgoers who are tired of cheap and lazy limo drivers and hot, smelly taxis can take a cool ride to their party.
Shoe-Insert Industry Merges With Ortho-pedic Ice Baggers
You know those shoe inserts with the annoying commercial? “Are you gellin’?” “Like Magellan.” (Why the world explorer whose crew suffered horrible diseases and death would be gellin’ is not addressed within the 30 seconds of information.) They could make their foot flats out of that material in those gel ice bags you put in the freezer. This way you just slip ’em out of your fridge and into your loafers, and you’re good to go. Not recommended for weddings.
Cleanliness Is Next to Impossible
Don’t you just love it when they tong you the hot, moist towel when flying business class and above? I always start out very dainty—just wiping the palms of my hands while secretly looking around. But inevitably, I throw dignity to the wind and bury my whole face in the thing, and the feeling of clean wipes away my shame. In Hong Kong, they give you a hot wet one when you get in a livery car. Considering that all the habitués of Greenwich Village hotspot Socialista are now running to get tested for hepatitis A thanks to a sick bartender (do you think Demi and Ashton did, too?), doesn’t this make great sense for a party? All you need are washcloths, a microwave, and a cute disposal unit that could eliminate the need for de-tonging.
Feet Are Way Too Visible in Summer
I lament about this all the time. Mules, flip-flops, sandals—they’re visible all year round, but the warm summer weather makes the situation even worse. And tanning your feet is next to impossible: Real sun takes forever, and fake tans are almost never even on the peds. My friend provides the perfect solution: All indoor summer guests, no matter how well shod or groomed, are asked to surrender their footwear and don those neat footies with a thin sole. Comfy and clean, and then a reusable gift.
Fresh-Air Fun
Now that Jon Stewart used one of those mini fans onstage at the Oscars, maybe the time has come to consider handing out -battery-powered units to arrivers. The technology is better than it used to be, and everyone knows that old canard about regular (i.e., manual) fans generating more body heat through exertion. Besides, there’s the risk of coming off like pre-weight-loss Karl Lagerfeld.
