The editor of this magazine responsibly informed me that this week the Web site would include “a lot of industry-related previews and looks at the year ahead” as a way give me some direction for the column you are reading now. I held my breath, thinking it too good to be true. Was I being invited to make predictions? Or better still—to prognosticate (which is both a favorite pastime and word)?
His reply (read: I have insurance) confirmed that I was free to conjecture at will. So running with the proverbial ball, I will only warn you that not all prognostications can come true (or are even necessarily within the realm of possibility).
1. The economy will finally stop behaving like a baby grizzly and man up.
President Obama will appoint Sarah Palin “money czar” with overwhelmingly transformative results, then replace Joe Biden with her on the 2012 Democratic ticket. Tell your clients to start planning to start spending. You betcha!
2. Abstinence party craze!
Not to be upstaged by her bossy-pants mom, Bristol Palin will launch a viral campaign called “Shake It for Chastity,” supported by a TV-only sale of “I Did It, But You Shouldn’t” kits. Described by Consumer Reports as a “Raunchy Party in a Box,” the phenomenally successful product will contain a variety of one-size-fits-all (thanks to stretchy-stretchy Lycra, in case you gain weight during the party) pasties, jeweled bras, and fringy pants, and an anatomically incorrect (i.e., no junk) set of gorilla costumes along with an instructional DVD, “Stoked!” Not included, but required for maximum effect, will be batteries, Four Loko, and crystal meth. By shaking your groove thing and dangerously imbibing, Bristol will show you how to get so way messed up that you can’t get pregnant.
3. Global fishery decline will be reversed.
After a Senate panel finds that the massive depletions of predator fish do not pose a risk to the world’s ongoing food supply, caterers will relax rules and begin pushing bluefin tuna belly and wild-caught West Coast salmon. But some guests will wonder why the display fish look so much smaller than usual …
4. The metal water bottle premium industry will come under environmental fire.
After the Greenpeace crew “Forager” discovers that a giant ball of metal water bottles has interrupted the Arctic Gulf oceanic flows, sporting event planners will come under fire for over-distributing the gift items. Ironically, the industry will blossom in response to speculation that disposed plastic water bottles are becoming a nature nuisance. As expected, the ceramic water bottle premium industry will announce bold initiatives in response.
5. A survey of DJs will reveal surprising girth.
In a survey conducted by the music industry, results will show that 73 percent of all Americans consider themselves to be professional DJs, and thus would like to receive all of their downloads for free. Most of the DJs will list Facebook as their largest audience venue. In related news, Taylor Swift will announce that she has bought the Video Music Awards event license, “as a way to thank the fans and prevent Kanye from ever getting one.”
6. Top Waiter will be canceled.
Bravo will admit a rare misstep for the reality-show juggernaut in its announcement that Top Waiter will cease broadcasting in advance of the show’s planned season finale, “Order Up.” “We’re saddened,” Bravo’s Andy Cohen will say. “We had no idea that people wouldn’t be interested in what an exciting and grueling ride it is to become a top waiter. But plans for The Real Housewives of Baltimore continue apace.”
7. Inevitable wine accord will finally be ratified.
Lobbyists, both foreign and domestic, will be successful in permanently adding pinot grigio and Prosecco to the “known and acceptable party wine list.” Despite insider grumbling, merlot will not be removed from the list. “People remember they no longer like it, but they don’t know why,” a leading caterer will say. “But we’re using up what we have and not reordering, to be safe. It was that movie with Paul Giamatti and Virginia Madsen that did merlot in.”
8. “Show up and write your name on the wall,” a museum offer will beg.
Fund-Raisers for the Museum of America, frustrated at government budget cuts and strangled by trickle-down economics (“Trickles? Where are the drops?” asks curator Les I. More), will announce an innovative fund-raising initiative. Donors above $1,000 will be given magic markers and invited to write their names anywhere they want on museum walls. “It’s the only way we can sell benefit seats these days,” one anonymous organizer will say. “But they don’t know that they are just dry-erase markers, and none of them ever come to the exhibits anyway. It’s a win-win.”